A咪's Diary

http://www.buzzfeed.com/krystieyandoli/why-the-friend-zone-is-actually-dangerous-for-women\

原文

Radcliffe said:

“Friend-zoning is a terrible thing. The idea of a friend zone is like a terrible, male… have you ever heard a girl say she’s in the friend zone? It’s a thing I think men need to be really careful about using… I definitely think the idea of friend zone is just men going, ‘This woman won’t have sex with me.’”

In response, most of the room — and likely the majority of women present — cheered in agreement. I immediately thought to myself, Finally, a dude who actually gets it.

This friend zone business is completely about sex and entitlement, not about friendship at all. It’s less damaging to the ego to say “she friend-zoned me” rather than “she doesn’t want me.” The focus then becomes the evilness of the woman, giving the poor rejected man something to blame other than his own undesirableness in the eyes of the woman who “friend-zoned” him. It’s: “That bitch. She friend-zoned me! I was nice to her!” rather than “That woman. I wasn’t good enough for her.”

Krystie Lee Yandoli: I used to be friends with this guy who I really loved as a person and who I spent a lot of time with, both in group settings and by ourselves. I never friend-zoned him, by the stereotypical definition; we were always friends with no other romantic intentions or inclinations. Eventually people started telling me that he liked me and I needed to stop “leading him on.” Our mutual friends gave me a hard time because they said I friend-zoned this guy and didn’t “give him a fair chance” — just because he liked me, it was assumed that I had to give him a chance, completely ignoring any feelings I had about the matter. Meanwhile, I’ve also been in situations where I’ve had crushes on other people I call my friends, but as a woman, I’ve never been told that I’m in the friend zone.

I’ve had to ex quite a few male friends from my life because they tried to take advantage of me after I made it plain that I wasn’t interested in being anything more than friends. I was dating a guy, and while we were out one day we met another guy who was very cool, and the three of us struck up a conversation about some blogs and online projects we had going on. We exchanged information, vowing to hang out and do some brainstorming together. He and I hung out solo a time or two and I felt very accomplished because I overcame a huge anxiety by deciding to trust this person who appeared to be a really good guy. I told him, pointedly, that I was not looking for anything other than friendship. He said he understood, assured me I’d have no problems from him. I decided that I would give him the benefit of the doubt, and that if something did happen, the fault would be his for misleading me, not mine for trusting him.

Time wears on and the guy that I’m dating and I decide to chill things out. I can’t remember if I told my new friend that or not (I don’t think I did), but shortly after, he and I were out and I had quite a bit to drink. As the night went on and things got wavier, I realized that I was in a booth with this guy who twice grabbed my face and kissed me. I was too drunk to gather myself to correct him or smack him, as I wanted to do the next morning, and instead excused myself and called my best friend to come get me, which he did.

I felt horrible. I felt like the entire time we were hanging out and enjoying each other’s company, he was just biding his time, plotting and planning on how to get what he wanted. I felt like I was just a thing for him to conquer. I felt deceived, lied to, and belittled. At the same time, I felt like I was the one who had done something wrong, that I must have somehow led him on even though I was so careful not to flirt, not to wear anything too revealing around him, not to give too many casual little touches while talking or having lunch, and even though I told him pointedly that I wasn’t interested. That was the most frustrating feeling of all: feeling like I must have caused it even though I knew better.

 That’s what’s especially dangerous to me about the idea of the friend zone: It assumes that all men and women are supposed to have sex and can’t be friends, but only under the condition that the man in the relationship digs the woman. What Daniel Radcliffe said is so true: You never hear a woman say, “I’m in the friend zone.” You just don’t.

And that’s not to say that you can’t have a crush on your friend. We’re all human beings, we get crushes whether we want to or not, but waiting around and hoping your friend breaks up with their significant other is pretty fundamentally messed up. If you really care about them so much, wouldn’t you want them to be happy, even if it’s not with you?

There was a guy I had a crush on for a while, and I genuinely didn’t know he had a girlfriend (he never brought her up somehow/was super private about it) — and the moment I found out I immediately backed off. He wouldn’t know the difference, anyway, because I was always just cordial and never made it obvious that I liked him. The change is internal, in that I no longer hope he notices my lip gloss or new haircut because he has a girlfriend whom he loves, and that’s beautiful and rare. Why would I mess with that? There are other people out there, I have self-confidence, and I’m not going to cling to this one guy I don’t even really know that well and hope his love life gets ruined just so I can maybe have someone.